Hey, my name is Kathi and I am the least graceful or sporty person known to Man.
I once broke my leg because I slipped and tripped over my own feet while trying to run. I tore a ligament badly by falling into a tram. And the one time I tried to compete at a sport I broke my boat and never made it back to the finish line. This list is not even close to be finished, but you get the gist.
I suck at any kind of physical activity. That includes walking. Or standing.
Of course I’m not a complete slacker. I’ve tried picking up some kind of workout routine a couple of times – mostly due to peer pressure and magazines that teach impressionable girls how to lead what they imagine to be a perfect life – but there’s no need to talk about the past. You might have guessed, I never stuck with anything. Because I thought whatever I tried out that time sucked even more than I sucked at doing it.
As we have now established how much I dislike working out it’s time for the plot twist you’ve all been waiting for: I will be working out every day for a week, starting tomorrow. Because I am a special kind of stupid. And because the Ebster likes to torture me. And because you people seem to take immense pleasure in seeing me suffer. So let’s do this. Well, I’ll do it and you will laugh. Or pity me. Either way, I hope we’re all getting something out of this.
Before I get started you need to know about two people who will be helping me get through this week (they don’t know about their luck yet):
V, my grown-up friend with the crazy career who will always, always speak her mind – which is probably my favorite thing about her – and who decided to become a fitness trainer a while ago because being a food developer wasn’t enough on its own. I question her sanity every day.
M, one of my best friends for a scarily long time, whose friendship I almost lost over a broken rowing boat and a lost competition a couple of years ago. We’re still friends, she’s still a champ at rowing and gets giddy if she doesn’t work out at least once a day. I stopped questioning her sanity a long time ago.
So, tomorrow it is. Can somebody get me out of here, please?
Monday, 25th July 2016
It’s 3pm and I am still struggling to accept the fact that I have to move more than necessary this week. I mean every single day. Come on.
I’m starting the week with a workout led by V. It’s called Tabata and hands down the single worst thing out there. Tabata is a “high intensity interval training” and makes you not wanting to move for several days after. The basics: Two exercises are done in turns, 20 seconds at a time with 10-second-breaks in between. Each exercise is repeated four times, so four minutes in total. Which is followed by a one-minute-break and then: on to two new exercises. HURRAY!
Luckily, we’re having a barbecue right after, so at least there’s something to look forward to. And I’ve got to say, the cute workout clothes I just found in my sister’s closet make this week a little more fun, too. But enough said, I’m off to the workout now. Wish me luck.
19:03 – Gotta sneak a couple of snapchats in. The world needs to see how fit I am…
19:04 – Ouchouchouchouch. Not fit after all. I can’t even get off the matt anymore.
19:26 – Wow, my arms are really fit after all. Slaying those push ups!
19:27 – “Kathi, put your ass down, it’s too far up in the air. This is NOT how you do push ups.” Ok, ok.
Still 19:27 – HOW ARE PUSH-UPS THIS HARD? I CAN’T EVEN DO ONE. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.
Tuesday, 26th July, 2016
Kathi’s Workout Fact #1: Protein makes your muscles grow.
Who would have thought working out doesn’t only mean sore muscles and red faces but also a special diet? Probably everybody except me. Now I get why, back in Estonia, H was always frantically looking for food with the highest protein level after his workouts. Gotta feed your muscles so everybody can see how hard you’re working out. I’ll do the same this week. Let’s see how big I can grow my muscles in the course of seven days.
Disclaimer: For a healthy lifestyle do not follow my tips and “recommendations” on exercising, eating and life in general.
Back to the real world:
Ok, so the workout… we’re starting with 15 minutes of cycling to warm up. I can do that. A couple of years ago I rode my bike wherever I went and then took it back home on the metro almost every day. (I live on a hill. Riding it up there is too exhausting.)
I am glad M is there. Honestly, I’d probably stop after 5 minutes if I wasn’t scared of her yelling at me like a crazy person. She can be really fierce, that one. And I’d like to be friends with her for more years to come. So I keep cycling. With a red face. A really, really red face. I look like I’m about to explode. Great.
Next on the schedule: A circular training focused on arms and legs. M seriously expects me to lift 20 kilo weights. HAS SHE MET ME? I am not even able to lift the metal rod carrying the weights. Here’s a video of how graceful I look right now:
The guys just entered the gym and are just sitting next to us, watching. Really? Yeah, sure, come in, come in. Would you like some popcorn? Coffee? Cake? It must be exceptionally entertaining to watch me sweat and die. DO YOU MIND?
M is focused on her own exercises, so she doesn’t realize that I am cheating on repetitions. A LOT. You know what else there is a lot of? Complaining. I can’t hold it back, ok? It gets harder and harder, and I need to let people know how much I am suffering. M looks like she is going to murder me if I am saying one more thing. I think it’s time to finish for today.
And now: PROTEIN. Give me that protein. I want to watch my muscles grow. It only takes me 30 minutes to read all the labels of the dairy products available at the grocery store…. It’s time to go home for today and rest. Used up my energy.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
It’s 7:30 and the alarm clock is ringing already. Time to work out. Again. My whole body hurts and to say it’s physically hard to get out of bed is a gross understatement.
Against all odds M is 4 minutes too early to pick me up, which completely messes with my head for a second – that woman usually cannot be on time for her life – until I am faced with the seemingly undoable challenge of getting into her car. Have you ever tried to get into the tiniest car with your whole body aching? It’s hard, let me tell you.
On the way to the pool we’re picking up M’s boyfriend B. For a split second he is the hero of the day for bringing me food – naturally, I am hungry again – until he spoils it by whispering:
Do I have to babysit Kathi at the pool or are you coming as well?
EXCUSE ME? “I am going for a run first, so you have to take care of her, make sure she doesn’t drown. But I’ll be there later to check up on her” Thanks for your trust, friends.
But there is no time to complain, as I am yet faced with another problem. Getting out of the car while still looking graceful. It doesn’t take long until I realize graceful isn’t happening today and I barely manage to wiggle my weak, aching body out of the car without falling to the ground. B stares at me blankly.
I don’t understand how you made it through almost 23 years of your life like that
I think M needs to go look for a new boyfriend. The only reason I am not immediately looking for new friends is because I need somebody to help me with this challenge. And well, they are kind of experts at this whole working out thing, those rowing freaks.
I’m taking it “easy” today. 45 minutes of swimming is enough after two days of working on strength.
While swimming and observing people who look like they actually know how to swim I can’t stop but think that I want to know how to do it properly as well. I am starting to realize that all this time I’ve been saying I hate sports I was actually just scared of doing it wrong and looking like a fool.
It’s easier to just laugh my “clumsiness” off and telling everybody I’m a lost cause instead of trying and potentially failing. Isn’t it the same pretty much everything in life
Wow. This got deep very fast. Time to get back to lighter subjects. Like the fact that I cannot tell the difference between my sore stomach muscles and being hungry. Which means I am eating the entire time at the moment.
Ok, time to end this day of bad stories here with this: I just had to run for the last tram for a whole stop. It wasn’t even too bad. Except it was. Good night.
(Credits to everybody who is still reading. You rock. Tomorrow will be better. I promise. I guess. I hope.)
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Too tired. From the night out and not the working out. BUT there is a silver lining: After sitting in front of my computer all day I am kind of looking forward to working out. Don’t tell anybody.
It’s funny. I’ve always kind of loathed those people that came to uni in their workout gear like
“Look at me. I’m so fit and healthy. I also love life and succeed at everything”
Right. Four days in and I am doing the same. Leaving the house in my workout clothes, I mean. Because, let’s face it, they look pretty good. Also, I want everybody to see that I am super fit and healthy. What a hypocrite I am.
I’m working out at the rowing club again today. M’s not there but her friends are “babysitting” me. It might be a good thing that I am with people I don’t know that well today. Makes me try a teenie-tiny bit harder. We’re doing four rounds of mostly leg exercises. Ok, THEY are doing four rounds. I stop after three with the reddest face and the sweatiest everything. Not even my fabulous workout gear distracts from that beauty of a red face.
Have I ever told you how great the rowing club is? Located right next to a side-arm of the Danube, with a huge area around the house. Makes working out a little nicer. The view is great and you can basically always just lie in the grass when it gets too hard. Except… don’t do it:
Kathi’s Workout Fact #2: A sweaty body + lying in the grass = worst idea ever
To say I am now itching all over is an understatement. Should’ve listened to all the people explicitly saying “Don’t do it. You’ll regret it” two minutes ago. Well. Some mistakes you’ve got to make on your own.
The swim in the Danube after is the best thing and I am slowly but surely starting to understand, why people get addicted to working out. (Again, don’t tell anybody.)
Friday, July 29, 2016
Since nobody has time to “babysit” me today and my motivation decided to hide this morning, I am struggling to think of anything I could do for today’s training session. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, ANYWAYS? I am still the unsporty one in this town.
After a day of trying to put my workout off and accidently “forgetting” about it, I finally get in my car at 5pm and drive to my friend and fellow exercising-hater E. Probably not the best idea, but hey, she’s got a rowing machine at home. It’s also an excuse to hang out with one of my favorite people. So actually a perfect plan, come to think of it.
When I get to her house, though, nobody is there and the rowing machine is lying around in two parts. Obviously, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to put this thing together. (I did try for a minute, I swear!) So I guess I have to watch Netflix and cuddle with the cats while waiting for E to come home. What a shame… I was looking forward to that workout. (HAHA)
(In case anybody was wondering, we did put it together later and I did work out for a bit. For the length of a Black Mirror episode, actually. Most importantly, the food we made after was delicious. Got to feed that hungry body after a hard, hard workout, people!)
Saturday, July 30, 2016
WEDDING VIBES! Two of my friends are getting married today. Kind of crazy. I feel very old. But also super excited to dance away tonight and celebrate the love of those two. (I do realize how cheesy that sounds and I am not sure if I am comfortable with it.)
Anyways. My excitement for tonight is the only excitement I am feeling at the moment. Meaning: I have zero desire to workout whatsoever.
The original plan was to go running with V before going to the wedding together, but let’s face it, I need my energy for tonight’s dancing. I think this is a very rational and understandable decision.
Since my sister doesn’t think so and wants me to successfully finish this week, she forces me to do a quick YouTube workout with her. YouTube is a great thing. And being able to do a workout from home with it as well. But all you workout gurus out there, PLEASE cut the overly happy talking and yelling. I doubt anybody likes that. It’s plain annoying and makes me really angry which is in return distracting me from the actual workout. It’s also the reason why I have to stop after what are probably ten minutes. And also because I am lazy af today. And also because getting ready for a wedding takes time. So.
It doesn’t matter anyways, because I am making up for everything I skipped at the workout earlier on the dancefloor. When they drag us off it at 6am and we prance to the car all I can think of is how I am not excited for the workout later…
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Clearly, I am tired. And everything else. No need for excuses, a wedding needs to be celebrated.
Thank God V scheduled a training. I have no excuse not to go, since everybody else is probably feeling the same after that glory night. It also gives us a chance to catch up on everything that happened the night before. Gossip session is on.
At least that’s what I thought. Turns out V doesn’t care how “tired” we all are. An hour later I am lying on the floor thinking I will need a break of at least a week to recover from all these workouts.
After a week of this, my body is just tired. I can’t push myself as far anymore. I do think working out was good for me, but not seven days in a row. Especially because I went from 0 to 100. It’s not good. Don’t do it. Start a little slower, if you want to start.
Although I do have to admit that this week taught me to try a little harder. Not to give up on everything right away. It took me three days to realize that I could actually enjoy this. We’ll see if I keep going. I am very positive about it at the moment. So thanks, Ebster, for challenging me once again and making me a little healthier in the process
I’m off now thinking what I could do for my next 7 days of… Any suggestions?
Editor: Laura-Liisa Lilleberg